Hope is the thing with fur, long ears, and a cotton tail
by lil-pundit
Summary: Nick just suddenly stopped going to work right after he just became the first fox officer in ZPD's history. It's been days. Then there's Judy being Judy. Or hope and anything good in life is just too surreal for the fox so trained to see and to live through the darkness called his life. Anything that wasn't disappointment or despair didn't seem to make sense to him.


**Last time I wrote a fanfiction story was around 4 years ago, so do forgive me if I fall short in some aspects in writing. I would really appreciate comments about the first story I'm publishing (for a while already), especially comments on how I can improve my writing and the story itself. Ideas on a story would be great too!**

 **I'm currently on summer vacation and I was just itching to write this story when I suddenly got this idea of Nick just having difficulty in handling all the good in his life. So I eventually did end up writing. lol. I'm starting with a one-shot story for now since it's _really_ hard to get motivated to do anything these days. **

**And how can I not resist the urge to write when Nick's just so precious and charming and- anywaaaay, Zootopia's awesome. I do not own it though. Credits goes to the wonderful person who drew the cover image for I do not own it as well.**

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He tried. He tried so many times and the one above sure as hell would know that very well.

At first, he never thought much over the small details he would pick up from those around him. The way other kids in the neighborhood would always make him the villain or the thief of their role-play games, the way no one would look at him whenever the teacher asks them to group themselves in pairs, or the way voices become hushed whenever he passed by other kids with their parents.

He tried not to notice, but he did. Of course, all these couldn't stop him from trying! Even if he's the only predator in the neighborhood, even if no one would recognize him for his good grades or his achievements in track team, or even if he would constantly practice socializing in front of a mirror all night in vain.

Nick tried joining the Junior Ranger Scouts. And that was the last time he tried to prove others wrong.

No one would look past his identity as a fox— a fox that would _obviously_ be all sly, shifty, and untrustworthy. Maybe it would hurt less if he just accepted that as if he wanted to—as if he chose to. At least then, he'd be in control, and that was easier.

And so he became that fox. To be a conman for a living is fitting for him, is it not?

Even when Mr. Big welcomed him with open arms, freshly baked cannoli, and, for some reason, trust, he couldn't help it. Tricking the crime boss like that was in so many levels stupid and dangerous, but he really _really_ couldn't fight against what he's supposed to be, what he is. That's who he is, right?

With a mask of arrogance and charm, a tongue of silver and sarcasm, he's made sure to never let others see they get to him. Putting up such a façade everyday almost made doing so… instinctual, as if it's a part of him.

Years of hustling meant having to wear that mask as if it's part of his body. It meant having to suppress any form of hope or expectation in his life—intentionally pushing such away if it had to come to that. Being detached helps.

Anything sincere and good was ridiculous; unreal, impossible—unreachable for him.

So when Judy first hopped into his life, it was easier to hate her- brave, loyal, helpful, trustworthy Judy; all that he couldn't be.

But if he was honest with himself, he never really hated her. He just wanted to be like her; like he promised to be.

 _"Even though you're a fox?"_

Is it okay for him to be such? Can he? He doesn't believe he could, but—

 _"You are so much more than that."_

Somehow,

 _"Well, I've been thinking... it would be nice to… have a partner."_

She did. She saw something in him when he couldn't.

And that was all it took for him—a little boost—to try, to try again. After solving the case of the predators going savage, going through the academy, and graduating as top of his class, Nick thinks that hope wasn't such a bad thing after all. Now he's got a job (first fox officer!) and he belongs to his own "pack."

He could never have been more contented in his life. Nick's overflowing with gratitude and happiness every single day since then. He's happy, right?

He should be happy, so what was he doing in his bed, unmoving and rotting since he woke up, skipping on the job he worked so hard for? It's been days since he last showed up at the Zootopia Police Department—since he was nursing this empty feeling in him. Like a void, it seemed to have sucked all his emotions, leaving him so empty yet so heavy.

He didn't get it at first, but then it hit him when he started craving for the pain—the pain of being insufficient and the pain of being hopeless. Pain he was _so_ familiar with.

Hope was too much, too bright, he decided as a nocturnal creature. Too much like… Judy. He'd been equipped all his life with cynicism to survive in this world. The shift to all this was too sudden. It didn't make sense at all; neither did the loud and rushed knocks coming from his door.

"Nick?"

A familiar voice came from the door, and then there were more knocks, a little louder this time. He should've seen that coming really. After having a mental debate with himself whether he should get up or wait for the bunny to just leave, he decided on the former as he realized this was Judy he was talking about. She'd break through the door if she had to.

Trudging towards the door, he didn't even bother to fix his unruly fur and wrinkled clothes. He did, however, almost instinctually, wear that smug mask of his. It wasn't necessary with Judy, but he did anyway, and he doesn't know why.

Twisting the knob and opening the door, he flashed the officer his trademark smirk and half-lidded eyes.

"Aw Carrots, did you miss me?" He said, almost forcibly. Judy's brows shot up in disbelief to what she was seeing and what he was saying. _The nerve! As if he wasn't suddenly missing for days!_

"What the heck, Nick?! You've been away for days without even informing anyone and now you act like nothing happened at all? You've got us all worried!"

"Sorry, I couldn't call beforehand. I was feeling a little dizzy lately." Great, now he's lying to his partner.

Pausing briefly as if she saw through the lie, she pursed her lips and let out a huff. Crossing her arms and tapping her foot, she continued to stare him down.

"Geez, you're not a lone fox anymore, you know? I was really worried." Purple eyes wavered for a moment.

"Right. I'm sorry about that. I'll go and phone the Chief. Is that all?" _What are you doing?!_

Her ears drooped a little and stood straight once again as she spoke, "Actually, since you're probably sick and it looks like you haven't had a decent meal in a while, I was thinking if we could go eat outside, my treat. You've probably been overworking yourself lately. I mean, I'm your partner after all and we need to have each other's backs-"

"Okay. Let's go." He said too quickly, but he couldn't help it when the bunny was probably getting all hard on herself again. And so he quickly shut his door and walked a little too fast to where he assumed the cruiser she brought was parked.

Wherever they were going, he left it to the bunny to decide, as he remained unnaturally quiet throughout the ride.

Nick continued to avoid looking at the bunny as he stared at the buildings they were passing by in a blur. The city never sleeps through the night, but the lights were beautiful, so who was he to complain?

They pulled over near a small restaurant they frequented recently, you know, before he stopped going to work.

"What's wrong?" she suddenly broke the silence. They both knew it wasn't the headache she was referring to. Of course she saw through his obvious lie like that.

So he really can't escape the inevitable conversation with her.

"I told ya, Carrots, splitting headache and all. Maybe I've got the flu. I'm going to get myself checked over-"

"Nick."

It was worth a shot. He sighed.

"I don't… I don't know Carrots."

He started to grip the leather seat while staying stock still. She didn't say anything, just waited patiently.

"I don't know if… it's okay for me to be happy."

It's like he's deliberately destroying his only opportunity to a better life 'cause that opportunity didn't make sense. It was all too good for him.

"Remember when I found you under that bridge?"

The fox's ears twitched. Why was she bringing that up?

"I didn't know if-if it was okay for me to be given another chance, after breaking Zootopia like that and after hurting you."

Filled with disbelief, Nick quickly turned around to look at her to tell her _of course you deserve that like how you deserve the best-_

Green eyes met glistening purple eyes. She started sniffling now.

"What are you talking about Carrots?! Of course it was okay, you-"

"Then why do you think otherwise for yourself?" She looked at him as if tears aren't spilling around her big eyes. He turned away.

 _'Cause I'm not like you. I could never be like you._

Is it okay for him to be happy? _Can_ he? He believes he couldn't-

"Of course it's okay for you to be happy Nick! You deserve all that happiness, okay?!" Judy suddenly burst out, her voice slightly cracking.

"You gave me my chance to make things better, why can't you give yourself the same chance, Nick? Stop beating yourself up like that!" Through the tears that wouldn't stop, she pressed on.

"You're a brave, loyal, helpful, and trustworthy fox! You're my friend Nick. You helped me out. You helped the entire city out, of course you deserve to be happy! I'll kick anyone who thinks otherwise." She was fruitlessly rubbing the tears out of her face as she stared at the fox who remained still and silent all this time.

Letting a breath he didn't know he was holding out, he slowly turned to face the bunny as his ears pressed flatly against his head. His usual smirk was replaced with an almost crooked smile—crooked, but genuine. His eyes were shiny and full of relief.

Immediately, Judy almost jumped towards Nick to embrace him.

"Dumb fox," she whispered.

Nick slightly tightened the hug as he closed his eyes. There she was again.

"Sly bunny," he smiled.

He really was a dumb fox, but Judy believes in him. And that was enough for him to try again.

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 **Thanks for reading fellas! Ideas on a new story would be really great. I just might be inspired to write another one!**


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